Addiction to Perfection

Douglas Estes | South University

I am a perfectionist.

While this may seem like a simple admission, it took me many years to self-diagnose and admit that I am, in fact, a perfectionist.

Nothing in my personality or past experiences led me to believe that I was a perfectionist. Growing up, I wasn’t always a rule follower. I infuriated most of my teachers, turning in late and hurriedly done assignments. I wasn’t at all detail-oriented; at least, not unless I came upon something I felt was really important. Then I tended to become myopic.

I’ve been a writer my whole life—high school newspaper, columnist for my college newspaper, freelance newswriter for the seminary I attended. But by the time of graduate school, I wrote my ThM thesis far more slowly than I planned. I chalked it up to life circumstances. And my PhD thesis was even slower going. Again I blamed life, not myself. By my third book, the delays and procrastinations that had haunted my academic life had me at a breaking point. I increasingly claimed “writer’s block” as a way to get around unpleasant conversations. Something was wrong, but I had no idea what it was.

One day in the middle of writing that third book, my wife casually remarked, “You know you are a perfectionist, right?” My immediate reaction was “No,” as I was sure that wasn’t possible. I’m not a “one right way to do things” person. But her words began to haunt me. I finally had to admit she was right.

Perfectionism is a “sin” that haunts many scholars and academics. In the lives of some, it shows up in rather obvious ways, but in my life and many others it is a thorn in the flesh that hides under various guises and is not easy to diagnose. Here’s what I did that helped begin my recovery.

First, I had to admit that I was a perfectionist. Really admit it, in the Alcoholics Anonymous way of admitting things: “Hi, my name is Douglas Estes, and I am a perfectionist.”

Second, I started researching what “writer’s block” really was and how it related to perfectionism.1 This gave me a clear sense of what I was up against, since there are various forms of perfectionism that manifest themselves in a number of different ways in scholars’ lives.

Third, I began to analyze my writing habits. Looking into my past, I saw a clear pattern in which I put off writing assignments until the very end. The last-minute thrill had always motivated me, but as assignments became increasingly longer and more complex, that approach failed more and more often. Not to mention the weight of feeling like I had to read everything ever written on the topic I was pursuing. It’s one thing to write an eight-hundred-word opinion piece for your college newspaper at the last minute, and a whole ’­nother thing to write a 125,000-word PhD thesis at the last minute. Clearly something was wrong with my approach.

Fourth, I needed to discover why I procrastinated. Did I hate writing? If so, why had I spent my life volunteering for an activity I hated? It was at that point I realized I hated my writing. Everything I had ever written I felt was subpar. Rubbish. And even though it never bothered me during the day-to-day, I began to realize that in the dark of my soul there was a lingering uneasiness that hidden in my writing were clear signs that I was a fraud. That one day some biblical scholar would read my work and have an “Aha!” moment—and then reveal to the whole world that I really do not know as much as I think I do. Even though I have a strong, confident personality, deep, deep down inside I began to realize I was harboring an irrational fear—a fear that fed my perfectionism.2 Is everything I write perfect? No. But am I a fraud? No.

Fifth, I needed to prove to myself that these fears were lies created by my broken nature. So I began to give myself writing tests. For example, a publisher contracted me to write a short essay. Within a day, I sat down and did the research and wrote the essay.3 The next day I reviewed it—and it was a terrible, horrible, no-good mess. So I put it aside. A few months later, waiting until the deadline, I again researched the topic and wrote the essay. The next day, I read it over and, while it wasn’t great, I realized I just needed to turn it in. But I didn’t turn it in. Instead, I gave both versions of the essay to friends and we evaluated them. Guess what? The second, ­adrenaline-rushed version was no better than the artificially forced first version. And slightly more people preferred the first. I submitted the first, not the second, and that is the piece the publisher used. I now had credible evidence that there was no truth to the lie I had believed for so long.

Sixth, I started to make myself write assignments earlier and earlier in the process. I started to see deadlines not as deadlines, but as goal lines I wanted to cross as soon as possible. I started to use a word-count calendar, with quantitative goals. I started off with simple goals, such as five hundred words on a day designated for writing. That was a really hard goal at first. Over time, it became easier. I realized that if I were unburdened from perfectionism, writing was like a muscle—the more I wrote the stronger my writing became. Today, my goals regularly exceed one thousand words a day (higher for nonacademic publications). I don’t always make it, but I celebrate when I do. And I keep a list of my “high scores” as a reminder.

Have I solved my sin of perfectionism? No. It will be with me all my life. There are days when I still struggle greatly. As someone who is addicted to the fear of failure, which hides under the guise of perfectionism, I understand now it is a lifetime addiction. I am a perfectionist. But I also believe it’s in my weaknesses like these that God’s power is made perfect in me (2 Cor 12:9).


1 For discussions of “writer’s block” and perfectionism, see Tonette S. Rocco and Tim Hatcher, eds., The Handbook of Scholarly Writing and Publishing (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2011), 38–39; Wayne C. Booth, Gregory G. Colomb, and Joseph M. Williams, The Craft of Research, 3rd ed., Chicago Guides to Writing, Editing, and Publishing (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2008), 199; W. Brad Johnson and Carol A. Mullen, Write to the Top! How to Become a Prolific Academic (New York: Palgrave Macmillan, 2007), 117–19; and Abby Day, How to Get Research Published in Journals, 2nd ed. (Aldershot, UK: Gower, 2007), 24.

2 For a similar take, see Johnson and Mullen, Write to the Top!, 70.

3 This was a form of “freewriting.” See Joli Jenson, Write No Matter What: Advice for Academics, Chicago Guides to Writing, Editing, and Publishing (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2017), 68; and Booth, Colomb, and Williams, Craft of Research, 199.


*Note: this article first appeared in Didaktikos: Journal of Theological Education, which is offered free of charge to theological faculty in the USA and Canada (click the image below).


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Didaktikos

Didaktikos is a vocational journal for professors who teach in biblical studies, theology, and related disciplines—particularly at the graduate level and in service to the church. Didaktikos is published four times a year.

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9 comments
  • This article was very enlightening. As I looked at the premise, I read it more out of a desire to help those who have and or struggle with being a perfectionist. The more I read, the more I realized that the root and driving force for this trait is exactly what you revealed – fear. “The fear of man bringeth a snare…” Proverbs 29:25. This article has revealed some things about myself – not only the fear of failure, but also the fear of rejection by those I admire and respect. This of course is sheltered by confidence, direction and drive – but it is a fear that is ultimately rooted in pride. So when “everything” has to be perfect, or up to a high level expectation – we have to ask ourselves – are we really putting all this effort, time and energy in so we can bring glory to God, or is it really a deep seated fear of not being accepted ourself?
    I Cor. 10:31 “Whether therefore ye eat or drink or whatsoever ye do, do all to the Glory of God”

  • I really like the suggestion of tackling the writing in more manageable chunks. Persistence in daily discipline, even taking small steps, really pays off.

    • Hi Scott,

      Thank you. Yes, there are many days we have reasons not to write … even on the bad ones, if we set some small goal … it looks so much better the next day. May God bless you in your writing.

  • Mr. Estes, it ha been a pleasure reading your blog and it has helped me to understand that I too am a perfectionist. Which at times is more of a hindrance to me, but a reward for others. I have learned what can trigger this and how to prevent it from taking over my day.

    As you have stated, “God’s power is made perfect within us” (2 Cor. 12:9)

  • Hi,I’m Jim, and I as well am a perfectionist. My wife of 43 years keeps reminding me of this every time I hammer myself on a writing assignment. I am 71 and currently taking seminary courses online. A challenge at my age to say the least. There are days that I just want to give up and quit because I have felt that I have not lived up to my own expectations even though I am confident that the Lord has put me on this path late in life. Having been a perfectionist this long in life I can think of a number of things that contributed to this, but if I charge past events or persons with the responsibility of why I am the way I am, then I take no responsibility.

    I guess I have looked at perfectionism as really a strength, in trying to get everything just right, but it’s actually not when we are driven to think less of ourselves because we did not achieve our own desired goal(s). A good point was made on fear of failure, but do we fail because of not meeting our own expectations, or because we did not meet the things actually required of us. Does the pursuit of excellence, which is not bad in itself, become more of a ‘god’ to us, before whom we feel we must bow down to and offer ourselves as an offering of sacrifice? When this happens this ‘god’ of excellence which we hope to satisfy is never forgiving, always harsh, foreboding, telling us we’re never good enough at every turn, who always throws our best back in our face, telling us it’s not good enough.
    When our best is given to God he doesn’t chide or deride us, he simply says to ask him for things and trust him that he will take what we can give and use it for his glory. While it is true that all our righteousness is as filthy rags, we are now children of God who the Father dearly loves. I have come to realize that my accomplishments have always been because God has helped me. I believe that the message that Jesus gave in Matthew 11:28-30 should help us and be our guide:
    Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (ESV).
    The idea of presenting ourselves as a living sacrifice was never to be on the alter of our own making but on that alter that gives and brings all glory to God the Father from whom all blessings flow.
    One closing question. If we have asked God for help in doing something, and have done it to the best of our ability, having prayerfully trusted God for the outcome, can we dare say it wasn’t good enough, not measuring up to our own expectations?
    So take heart my fellow perfectionist, our hopes are all fulfilled in Christ, our deepest fears are to be nailed to his cross, and the perfection we so desperately seek is in our risen Lord who has conquered all, and through him we are strong.

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